The Broken Road: Evaluate

  
After all these years, I look back on the last year and a half the most. So much has changed. I’m no longer in a toxic environment. I’m no longer bearing the weight of raising my family alone. I’m in love with a man who treats us all very well. We have a decent place to live, good neighborhood, good schools. I’ve been accused of shitty things that can’t be proven, but his goal isn’t to prove, it’s to pursuade and manipulate. Anyone can look up court documents and arrest records, and the only ones necessary to prove anything to is in the court room. 

I attempted what the parenting classes said to do. I said hello with a few pictures and got ripped apart for it. Oh well. Fine. I should have seen that coming. I was reminded “you can’t expect an NBPD person to be reasonable, logical, or realistic” you’d think after half my life wasted with him I’d know he isn’t reasonable, logical, or realistic. He can’t put aside his own shit to do what’s right for the kids. He never could. He comes first, not them in his eyes. While I can set aside my own crap to give him updates and photos of the kids. He is unable. 

I’ve done a lot of soul searching. His accusations as always, made me wonder “am I doing something wrong?” No. I tried to be civil. I tried to involve him. He refused. That simple. I tell my kids “he’s your dad, you have a right to love us both,” 

I don’t need his civility. If he doesn’t want updates or pictures, that’s his choice. He doesn’t want part of decision making, that’s fine. I can get the parental support I need from my boyfriend. He’s stepped up in every way. 

I don’t need his negative personality or his wild mood swings, I don’t need his insults, I don’t need his emotional instability. I don’t need his controlling behavior in my life. So he doesn’t want involved. Easier on me that way anyway. 

I asked myself, “am I the monster he depicts to everyone that I am?” No, everything I’ve done I’ve done to give the kids a better life. They have it now. They are happy and healthy. I’m happy and healthy now too. 

It’s normal to evaluate yourself. It’s not normal to justify beatings of kids, emotional abuse of a family, it’s not normal to rip people apart. It’s not normal to react to a smile with daggers and attack. 

Learning his illness, and how to respond is a challenge. I know I’ve made mistakes. This blog very well be one of them. I’m considering taking it all down for a while. 

The Broken Road: Rebuilding

The last few months have been rough. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy by any means. 3 months of living in a hotel paying out of pocket, no government help at all. Finally I found a house. 4 bedrooms, big back yard, 1800 square feet, nice big deck in the back yard, quiet neighborhood, good schools for the kids.
We moved in and have final started to settle in. I hung up my paintings (well, in the living room and kitchen so far), all of my furniture was donated to me. I don’t have a bed yet, I’ve been sleeping on a couch in my room. But it’s better than the floor and better than the tiny hotel.
Not only did I get my family a home and settled in, my health has much improved. I had no idea what kind of toll living with someone who drug my heart and self esteem through the dirt was doing to me. For years I was depressed, never feeling good enough, never feeling like I mattered, I was disrespected, emotionally abused. “No other man would love you” he used to tell me. I felt ugly. Unloveable. Getting away from that was not only good for my emotional health but also for my physical health. I’ve lost 25% of my body weight. I’m only 10 pounds away from my goal weight. I had a follow up with my Dr. And all of my blood work was perfect. My cholesterol is right where it should be, I’m no longer anemic, not one thing was out of range. I’ve never had lab results that good before. I look better. And my ex’s line “no man would ever love you” was obviously full of shit. I’ve turned down more men than I’ve kept track of, seemed to be able to just have my pick. I was quite picky and stuck with the one who treated me with respect and accepted me as I am. I’m loved. I can be myself without sensors, without fear he will insult me or judge me. I can have a bad day and instead of taking a bad work day personally he comforts me. I no longer feel ugly. He tells me I’m beautiful every day and more often than I hear it anywhere else. I no longer feel unlovable. His emotional support is always there no matter what may be going on. I matter to him. I appreciate a love like this far more now than I think I would have if I’d never known what it was like to feel so shitty with my ex.
My kids are doing better as well. Seeing me happy they feel better too. They love the house, the neighborhood and the yard. My older children and I have a much deeper relationship now than I ever thought possible due to the hardships we’ve endured.
Everything in my life is rebuilding beautifully. Unfortunately the kids dad is not doing anything to rebuild his relationship with his children. Instead he’s driven the older two farther away. They see he does nothing to help them. No child support paid. No clothes, no food, nothing. I do all of it for all 4 of them. I work, I put them first. They don’t feel he cares about anyone but himself and all based on his own actions. I offered Christmas for visitation with the kids since he cancelled Thanksgiving with them. He wouldn’t see them then either. He’s digging his own hole with the relationship with his children. It’s up to him now. He will write his own ending. He will either pull his head out of his ass or continue letting them down. I hope he pulls his head out and gets his shit together. The kids deserve better. For now I make up for his slack, but no one can take the place of Dad.

The Broken Road: What Do You Do When The School Abuses Your Child?

Why is it a crime to leave your dog outside in such cold weather, yet when a school does this to a child it isn’t?

The Broken Road, Blessed Through Hell

Photography by Tessa Fritzler
Copyright 2014

My tears could not be contained tonight. Life has been a roller coaster ride, and not really a fun one. Granted I don’t enjoy roller coasters anyway, they make me puke.

The Broken Road: There IS Light At The End Of The Tunnel!

Light

Things are tough. I’m a tough woman though, and tough times are not unfamiliar to me at all. As usual, I manage, and I will get through it. Over the last few months I’ve been picking up the pieces of my shattered life and instead of gluing them back into place, I’m creating a new life out of it.

The Broken Road, Stress Fractures

Stress Fractures, artwork by Tessa Fritzler, copyright 2014

Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy by any means. In my situation, I left with no job, no car, and no money. I was terrified of my husband’s reaction to my leaving. I didn’t know if he would hurt me, the kids or himself. I planned my escape carefully. 

The Breaking Point, The Beginning of the Broken Road

The Broken Road, photograph by Tessa Fritzler, Copyright 2014

We all have our struggles. Some more than others. No one is perfect. We all have our strengths, weaknesses, talents and faults. This life throws all kinds of trouble at you and it can be beautiful at the same time. Getting through it is what my blog is about.